You know we’ve had it good, We’ve had it bad, so no hard feelings – A Non fiction short story
I didn’t know how important I really was after going through an on and off relationship. I knew I was important, but I didn’t know know, you know? I’ll explain better. You see, when you set your mind on a person you lose yourself in the moment of how they make you feel. That’s great that this person makes your heart beat, makes your legs shake, makes your lips quiver. You feel an intense chemistry during love making and you believe that this person is absolutely your soul mate. But what happens when that moment is gone and now they show you that they don’t feel the same? They feel the same connection but do not want to go forward? I blame myself honestly. I knew he couldn’t go forward. but I still hoped for something. I should have let go since day one.
I let myself get tangled up like computer wires around the idea of us ever being happy together. My mind was spiraling and over thought situations like no other. Why can’t I just let it go? I tell myself. Why can’t I just understand that this isn’t worth the time? If he cared, it would show. He shows it, but only some times. Should he care all the time? Is it healthy to even care as much as I do? And here I go again, over thinking. DING I hear the text tone coming from my cellphone, “Grubhub here! Tell us about your order from JADE GARDEN. Reply STOP to stop these texts.”, the text read. I press the side button of my phone and put it to the side of my bed. My heart drops and it feels like it’s making it’s way to my stomach, awakening the butterflies. I have so many things to do but the motivation has paused for me. Somehow, I want to just lay here and feel this. It’s weird.
Years went by and every year it was different but also the same. There would be months where I stepped away from that energy. It was moments when he would say that he needed a break. During those breaks I would find myself saying that I was the one that needed it. A moment to breathe and finally think about what I want and what would make me happy. I was about 4 feet away from the finish line. The finish line of me finally moving on. I see myself patting myself on the back, cheering me on and giving me a drink of water. DING I hear the text tone from my cellphone. It’s him. He’s asking me what am I doing after work tomorrow. I reply, “Hey! Nothing, I may go home and catch up on some rest.”
“Let’s go see a movie.”, he replies.
“Sure, I get off at 5pm.”, I text back. And it begins again.
At this moment, everything felt great. He was more affectionate than he has been before. “This is it”, I think to myself. There is no way we will be taking a break this time. He has told me he has fallen for me, he’s been gifting me small things that made him go, “I saw this and thought of you” and he has been complementing me more than usual. I look at his light brown eyes and I focus on how the light hits his iris. It’s like honey being slowly rotated in a mason jar. But the deeper I look, it turns into a rocky planet. He smiles at me and I smile at the way his cheeks get red from the cold. Our best moments seem to be during the winter. Where we are both bundled up with scarfs, hats hugging our heads and have 2 layers of sweaters on us. We make our way to a warm hotel to spend more time together. We reconnect again.
It was never perfect. But there was always that hope in me that it will be. I always hoped that our feelings would meet in the middle and agree to a bond. I always hoped that he would understand the sensitivity that contains me and had the patience to understand my side of things. Though,
I probably didn’t understand him either. There were moments where our minds went elsewhere during arguments and it got to a point where we would explode. There were days where we solved the issue. He would sit with me, look into my dark brown eyes, perhaps looking for a rocky planet in my iris.
“hey, hey, it’s going to be okay.”, he looked concerned, he looked like he understood my emotions. With a gentle pull of my arms towards him, he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me close. These were the moments that kept me in a safe place where I no longer overthought. I press my head on his chest, the scent of tide detergent on his t shirt mixed with the incense surrounding my room, his soft skin against the bare part of my waist. I close my eyes, “We’ll work it out. If it’s like this, we will absolutely work it out.”
It’s close to summer. We have been seeing too much of each other since the fall. With the pattern him and I were going through, usually around this time we are in a “comfortable” zone. The zone where nothing seemed different and things repeated itself. I mean, that is part of a relationship right? Are we even in one? I stopped asking when we were in cycle 3 of this on and off. I was too busy focusing on the happiness that sparked beneath me whenever I was with him in my room, watching shows we have watched 10 thousand times, we would order in and share a joint or 2.. okay maybe 6. What did it matter if him and I were not too perfect for each other? What did it matter that I find myself crying from the disconnections we sometimes have? Should I focus on those? But it is normal, right?
I come back from my trip to the mother land. My brother in law had dropped me off from the air port and I am feeling home sick. I want to go back again but I know soon I will go back to see my parents again. I open the door and I see my cat running to me to greet me. His beautiful black fur glowing under the kitchen light while he makes his way to me. He let’s out a friendly meow and I pick him up, kissing his face and head. “I’ve missed you!”. By this time I was already texting him. He was the first person I messaged when arrived to New York. I was going to go see him right after I got some rest from the flight. Those airplane seats are no fun to sleep in. I met him in his Brooklyn room he was renting from a Mexican family. They were nice enough to welcome him in but for some reason he couldn’t use the kitchen. I go in and he welcomes me with the biggest hug. He kisses me and let’s me get comfortable. We spend the whole day in his room. We pick up some delicious dumplings just 5 blocks away from his place. They were incredibly juicy and they were beautifully priced at 8 dumplings for $3. We come back to his room and it is already late. It was time to call an uber but before that, we will be going outside to smoke. We walk around the block and begins to open up to me. I don’t remember what he was explaining but I do remember the ending of this conversation and it was the only thing that stood out from everything else.
“I was unfaithful to you”, he explained that it meant nothing and it was 2 times. I guess we were official at this point. Even if he never mentioned that we were, he did everything that matched what a significant other would do. But even so, my heart dropped. I remember him telling me that he would feel awful if he ever did anything unfaithful and that he would never. “Never say never”, I thought. After he told me this, I went weeks trying to accept it all. I loved him enough to keep trying. But at some time, we all have our breaking point. I had mine.
This is probably a blessing in disguise. Him doing something he said he wouldn’t do. But also it was my breaking point of realizing that this isn’t what I want. I’m too good for this. There has to be something more. There has to be a life where I am with my partner and we get each other every time, where I choose him and he chooses me every time. I’m too valuable to be put in a situation where I don’t know where this so-called relationship is going. I don’t have any more time to figure everything out and walk on egg shells. I finally start to realize my needs and wants. I paint a clear picture of what I want my future to look like and it has nothing of me crying or feeling unsure about things. All of these pictures resemble my happiness and success. Me living my best life with the partner that doesn’t keep me in a confused box. But I also learned that you have to respect yourself enough. I learned that we are always number one and our mental health matters. When you focus on yourself more, things start to fall into place. Things start to make sense and you will always get back on your feet. I have re discovered myself.
